"Tonights news comes from Gnomeland Security, and a surprise update regarding their struggles to produce the Ultimate item! The Philosopher's Stone is now a reality! In typical Gnomish fashion, this stone was instantly put to use. Sadly, a fatal flaw was discovered rather suddenly when it exploded. Fifteen clockworks were damaged, and the lead researcher was severely wounded. He is in critical condition and high on opiates. When asked how he did it, he went off on a tirade and tried to kill his nurses before getting tangled in his bed sheets and dying. Gnomeland Security says everyone is to stay away from anything suspicious looking for the next twelve hours."
"In a related note, the Arasai have been standing suspiciously close to people after their battery recall. Cristanos has declined to issue a direct statement, but seemed gleeful."
"In other news tonight, the Rugby Tutu Team has decided to launch a new campaign, requiring all sports to wear the new uniforms as equals. Their actions have caused great concern as they forced the Halas Water Polo team into them."
"Meanwhile, the Maj'dul Epic Beach Volleyball competition came to a standstill when the players could not decide on a dune to use. Fighting ensued after a brief exchange of words, and the streets are in riot tonight."
"The Norrathian Express Mail System was down today while their one fae employee spent all afternoon napping. The fae was reportedly supposed to clean the pens from the box, and says, quote, "I got nappy and it looked so comfy". Officials are hard at work explaining why this is Not Okay, and the Mail Must Be Delivered. The fae argued back that it was neither rain, sleet, snow, shine, or dark of night."
"In a surprise move tonight, the Ykeshian liftship Number 741 had an emergency evacuation in preparation for a planned crash landing. Passengers were disappointed, citing the crashes are the only reason they ride the behemoth airships. The Ykeshians have promised to resume regularly scheduled crashes just as soon as they work out a deal with their autonomous control system known as Cal, who rather likes being in one piece."
"In other news today, the Paper Eaters club met on the docks of Butcherblock to have their monthly competition. The Irontoe was not impressed, and asked the competitors to leave the area peacefully. There are still paper balls littering the beach tonight."
"In weather today, astronomers stared at the sun for too long and went blind. Clerics involved refused to comment, but a source who wished to remain anonymous stated "it was just so pretty!""
"The local Militia's ball is coming up - all past lawbreakers are welcomed to join in this gala, which is not a ruse to issues tickets and citations. The Hooligan's guild has expressed their full support and wish to join in as official guests."
"In Darklight, an unknown faction has recently defaced the countryside, planting trees at random and making all the hate and gloom less hate-y and gloom-y. Asked to comment, the Ebon Hand chased the NMN crew for several hours, expecting them to be involved. If you will pardon us, they are almost here! This is Folodu Amrunrosse with the Nearly Midnight News!"