"News, news, something about news... Oh! Nearly Midnight snack! Er...news! Now where did I... There it is."
"In tonight's news, Loki has broken out of the magical realm of "movie" and "myth" to wreak havoc on my papers. The situation will be dealt with...just as...soon as...pen! A pen! *dances*"
"Alright! In today's news, the sultanate of Maj'Dul has hung it's head in shame as the Court of Coin demands all towers belonging to rival factions be eliminated. The people were very confused at this, as the Coins own all towers in the city. After several minutes of loitering, rioting broke out, and extensive damage was done to a nearby sand dune. Five rioters were sicced by the local Sha'ir, and twenty were peppered - one is said to have commented that "cheyenne makes everything better! Afterwards, skeptics ate a cayenne pepper and immediately had to be rushed to a medic, who issued a glass of milk and bread, and muttered. Damages are said to reach at least as high as five gold."
"In other news, the Nearly Midnight News issues an apology about our goblin story yesterday. It was not a goblin, but in fact a small ninja, disguised as a toad. There will be no further mention of this tonight."
"Author Xsii launches her highly-anticipated and highly-profitable book line, "Bree - the Sun of his Heart". Audiences received their first copies today, which were all offset at the printers and had to be recalled. The book is said to be a love story behind Bree and the antagonist Shalir - who were mortal rivals since childhood, and who grow quite fond of each other. We are fairly certain that is the premise anyways - the Nearly Midnight News has received no donation, and cannot afford pens... If you would like to donate pens to the Nearly Midnight News, please place all pens without stamp, envelope, or address, into the nearest Norrathian mailbox. The author, Xsii, might receive some of them, and they might be well received, as she works on volume XI."
"In sports today, the Rugby teams of Freeport squealed in joy as the Nerian ambassador presented them with a new ball made entirely of feet. It is noted by several players after their first match that it was "kind of creepy", and were "concerned that the ball kicks back". The Nerians were thrilled to watch as the team was chased about the field by said ball. Incidently, authorities are on the lookout of a small spherical object that has been kicking citizens in Freeport tonight. Anyone with information is advised to contact the local Knights or Militia to resolve this as swiftly as possible."
"It is almost time for the yearly charity drive in Qeynos - a festive day that runs several thousand platinum marks to run ricksaws around the city for a day. Last year's fair made 10gold 15silver33copper. There is much anticipation that they might add a third to that this year. Asked to comment, the local organizers had this to say: "Oh, tis a great blarmy time what be had be all! Say, you wouldna care fer a ride, would ye?" It was a thrilling way to see the bright city. One reporter even noted a Lady reading the Bree book, or possibly Necromancy 101 - they were travelling by rickshaw at the time, and the cover looked right for either."
"This is Folodu Amrunrosse, and I lost the rest of the news. Thank you for tuning into the Nearly Midnight News."
"*bows and hits head on newsdesk*"