"nearly-midnight news? oh crap...gotta come up with something. Oh!"
“In a random robbery last night, a ship's anchor was stolen. The then-drifting vessel crashed into many other ships in the bay. The local constable points to hooligans."
"The local Hooligans Union responds, "We ain't done nothin' wrong! we pay our taxes, too! If we had jobs, we'd be at them! No, don't steal the reporter's pen! Down!""
"Incidentally, if anyone happens to have a pen, our local news crew is currently unable to write anything down."
"The teemsters had a busy day today at their yearly puppy auction. As per every year, nothing sold as no one speaks puppy. Still, with the invited Hooligans, everything was gone by the end of the day. They all counted it as a pure success - some items listed for sale were from such notable places as the landslide, the one remaining post that did not wash away."
"On the topic of sports, today the Halasian Lagers played the Coldain Pale Ales. Partway into the match, no one could remember what was going on anymore. And also the score could not be written down for lack of a pen. Both teams lost toes and fingers due to frostbite - medics are still stitching the last on tonight."
“This is Folodu with your almost-midnight news."