*crawls in on all hands and knees*
“Oh - oh gods. Four thousand seven hundred and two bars seen... only six thousand more to go... so many peanuts... so many peanuts..."
Pennae tells rplfg, "o.O"
"No like this bar crawl..."
Melsandra tells rplfg, "That is why I do not do the bar crawl."
*looks up at the ashes of what used to be a large desk made of acorn*
“Oh gods... no one cleaned that up yet..."
“I give up - it's just too much."
*rolls over on her back and sticks a finger in the air*
“Good evening, and welcome to the Nearly Sober News. Tonight we have... way too many peanuts."
Melsandra tells rplfg, "*snerks*"
"I can hear them. Their little voices… calling for vengeance... Like a thousand miniature people. But not."
Kaimos tells rplfg, "weeping..."
Grurkk tells rplfg, "Sober? Eat more whiskey"
"And then! And then! They suddenly go silent. As I eat them. So many peanuts to silence..."
"We have a show - we even have an Anchorette. I'm pretty sure she's lazing about here somewhere..."
"Oh - there she is. With her hand in the air. Ha."
Kaimos tells rplfg, "waving it like she don’t care?"
"So, you may have guessed, but in case you didn't, Brell the First has called us to our true natures... Which you can reference by looking at the edition title... Something about sobriety...and testing it... in a field. It didn't make much sense."
"For those tuning in late, the Halasian games are still going. Indeed, there is stiff competition in the Iceberg Herding competition. It is expected to take three more weeks, because icebergs just don't cooperate very well."
"It was a silly notion to begin with, but made sense at the time."
Melsandra tells rplfg, "Because they were probably all drunk."
"I had a list of winners of some of the others things, but they aren't as massive as icebergs. So, congratulations to people."
"Like... Apparently Lera won the Stone Put competition. She did it by putting a stone. I'm not sure where. I assume it was kosher, though."
Pennae tells rplfg, "XD"
Melsandra tells rplfg, "*snerk*"
"Sharis...is... narr came in second, and Lairobell in third. Apparently, they were not as skilled at placing stones."
Melsandra tells rplfg, "You would think a lizard would be.."
"Skinny legs were shown. I don't know why. But it happened, and so it is reported."
"Slipps won the kilt show. Must have been the hairy legs. Marisielle and Myrlana did not have as hairy a leg, but got an honorable shared second."
Kytharin tells rplfg, "Slipps won the' kilt show because she worked that kilt"
"And there was people hitting each other. For prizes. Don't know nothing about that. Save that some people hit like girls, and it may be because they are girls."
Melsandra tells rplfg, "oooooo"
Kaimos tells rplfg, "ahhhhhhh"
Grurkk tells rplfg, "Grurkk like to hit people. They bleed and scream and die."
"Sugue is the best hitter like girl in the nekkid drunken boxing. And Krugger and Dhavis hit less like girls."
"It was a valid measure at the time... Hitting like girls..."
Pennae tells rplfg, "*snicker* we hit hard!"
Chevanima tells rplfg, "*agrees*"
"Hellfires, I hit like a girl, and most things don't want to get up afterwards. And... and... I lost the rest of the list."
Melsandra tells rplfg, "drink more then you will find it. Might not be able to read it, but you will find it."
Chevanima tells rplfg, "*snerk*"
"In relatedish news, sort of, Es Oh Ee announces the next new thing this month. The Deadly Raid Monster, or DRM, will be greatly anticipated by all."
"The DRM can be fought at any time, and as many times as you like, but not with anyone who doesn't already have their own DRM, which must match your own DR monster. And you can't share your DR monster with anyone. And also, you can't talk about it, either."
"So no cheating."
Pennae tells rplfg, "*blink*"
"In a quote, one prominent citizen said, "The hells is that? What? You mean I can't talk about the giant... -thing- that just sat on my house?!" He was sad. And couldn't share his pain."
"He now shovels coal for the DR monster to eat. Silently. And in tears."
"We go to Velious tonight for an odd bit of news."
"The Othmir have passed some net brutality accords. Accordingly, any Yha-Lei caught in an Othmir fishing net will be beaten."
"The Othmir had tried first the more peaceful net neutrality, but decided it was too much bother and the net gets ruined either way. Said Dampion, "Them fishmen have been fightin’ for too longs. Time to eat their fishes and pillage their crabtraps!""
"I am not entirely sure he understands the accord, but he has a nice hat."
Kytharin tells rplfg, "Fashion wins over politics"
"In Rivervale last week, the halflings and the Void have finally come to an agreement."
"The void will maintain control of only 32% of Rivervale in exchange for not using the water supply. The halflings have to give up drinking for a year. The peace agreement has been strained already, as the Void really want to just claim all the land they feel is their right to own."
Pennae tells rplfg, "right thats fair"
"Said one prominent halfling wishing to remain anonymous, "Well, I think they are crazier than a bag of weasels in a carnival, but they have friends. The halflings have been despised by most cultured elven races for as long as anyone keeps records, and no one really cares."
"They will most likely all be under one Void banner in a month anyways."
Grurkk tells rplfg, "But if Rivervale go boom, where is Grurkk s'pposed to hunt tasty halflings in?"
"Today we honor the feast of Little Jim, who is said to be the first one to drink someone under a table ever."
"Little Jim was twelve feet tall, and smashed his competitor over the head with said table. To this day, no one really cares, and host parties in his name. Said one adherent of Brell, "Look, if ye go change one little story, ye got to change them all, and then people migh' know the truth. And then where would ye be!?""
"He was at bar number 7,841. We wrote it down so we wouldn't forget."
Pennae tells rplfg, "*snicker*"
"The NMN staff would like to send a call for donations out."
"We are out a table, and a cleaning crew. The table must be larger than fae size, and smaller than kromzek size. Please send all donations to NMN offices at your earliest convenience."
"Please note - please do not send gnolls. They do not clean."
"In sports today, besides iceberg herding, we had the cleanup of last week's encounter between the Thundermist and Windstalker rugby teams."
"Unlike all previous games, there was a survivor for this grudge match. No one is quite sure why there is a grudge, but it probably started with someone stealing someone else's cow."
"The survivor had nothing to say, and might be suffering mental or auditory issues. We hit them over the head a few times to get their attentions, and nothing."
"Make note: clubs do not make good attention-getters."
"In weather, we had rain in Freeport, and spaghetti in Halas. There were no meatballs, much to the disappointment of many."
Pennae tells rplfg, "damn"
"For those wishing a free meal, the frozen wasteland that so many find beautiful will keep it for up to three months. Beware of yellow spaghetti, as it might be compromised."
Pennae tells rplfg, "eewww"
"The next few weeks will see the end of the year of Xegony, the year of Air and province of mind."
"Many will note the presence of Brewday during this time. See, there is too many mind, and so we need to piss some of it away."
"I am Folodu Amrunrosse, ostensibly your anchorette, and this has been the Nearly Sober News. Only six thousand more bars to crawl to… So many peanuts..."
*turns back over and starts crawling away*