Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Nearly Midnight News, October 4
*gathers a few notes and pushes a large stack of papers off a large acorn desk*
"Well, this is a little messy. I hope there is nothing important in that. might get a wizard to incinerate it later..."
Arquenniel tells RPLFG, "YAY!"
*strikes a match and drops it on the old paperwork*
“Nah. too much time. Welcome to another edition of Nearly Midnight News, Uncut!"
“In the news this week is things of a Legendary and Fabled nature! But not too legendary or fabled, because then you would have already heard about it. As many of you now know, I can once again file my nails with the souls of my enemies, which was impossible before because Reasons. Which are slightly dissimilar from Reisens, which are mostly just tasty. Reisens? Riesens? Those little chocolate covered things that stick to your teeth."
"Also, new Heroic Characters who are probably delusional psychopaths! Get one word from a raving lunatic and go butcher a dragon! While it might be reasonable to assume that someone, somewhere might be chosen, the recent influx of these rather... special... new adventurers has the exchange economy flabbergasted.”
“The Dark Bargainers said in a statement, "Vith, they are rich, but can't spend a copper! How am I supposed to stay in business!?" He was promptly mugged by a vampire, who is totally *not* permitted to mug whomever they please by order of Cristanos. There is other news for Neriak, but I think I burned it..."
*watches the pile of papers*
“Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was something about an arasai. Regrettably, it must not have been important. And if it was a Human Interest story, well, humans are dull anyways, so moving on."
Orochizak tells RPLFG, "Arasai are rarely important."
Kalmaraa tells RPLFG, "Psychopath eh?"
"A new arrest has been made by the Knights of Freeport recently! Admittedly, this is convenient to the upcoming Festival of Discord, and A Coincidence I'm Sure. Faolayn has been apprehended for… Misconduct and Drunk In Public Displays Of Affection. Or soul harvesting. It's not entirely clear."
"Words from the Lady Commander were brief. One might almost say non-existent. The incident in question only goes to prove a point. Strength in Unity, probably. It usually is, after all."
Arquenniel tells RPLFG, "Unity in Lucan!"
Kalmaraa tells RPLFG, "Here i thought the words where, "I need another rum to deal with all this....""
"There will probably be a public execution on or about the Festival of Discord. I would expect there to be a public trial about seconds beforehand. And justice will be Served. By served, we leave it open to your imagination."
Missymee tells RPLFG, "Always a lovely sight."
"Let's see let's see… Ah yes, on a lighter note, there is a profusion of dwarves recently! I will remind everyone that dwarves are shorter than most elves and humans and iksar and kerran and sarnak, putting that a good knee-capping level. Please do not feed the dwarves. Though buying them a drink is probably for your good health. Buying the Lady Commander a drink might also be for your good health."
Malindres tells RPLFG, "Does this mean we have to buy one for you?"
"It would not be turned down."
Orochizak tells RPLFG, "What if I put poison in this proposed drink, that I buy for this ah, commander softskin?"
“Poisoning the Lady Commander has already been tried, and is not wise to reattempt (without supervision)"
"Draconic-speakers are on the rise after a new initiative prompted by the Combine Empire, who seems to delight in mass slaughters of dragons. For those wishing to take up Draconic, be advised that good shoes and decoder rings are necessary. See your local Sage of Ages today for details."
"For those interested in participating in the Maj'Dul Headless volleyball league, please be advised that all applicants must be able to say at least three words. The freshness of the head is a must for a fair game. Undead heads are disqualified for un-natural gore. For all other Maj'Dul volleyball questions, why the hell are you asking? they are nuts!"
"It snowed in Velious for the third week running. Yep. Still news, somehow. I think the meteorologist out there is either lazy or bored, because I have heard that it at least hails once a month."
"In lighter news today, Qho Augren has gone missing! For those seeking him, please check under many rocks, a fallen forest, and in Kithikor. All those who successfully find him, I am sure there is someone willing to pay for him to be put back. His sister, in fact, is offering a several-platinum reward never to hear his name again. Why an -year old has that much, I do not know, but I think a little shake-down might be in order later."
"Freeport announces the closure of the stock market today after no one was able to figure out what a stock was, and certainly not where to buy one. Anyone wishing to solve this problem is advised to talk to a Gigglegibber today, preferably with at least 10 silver on them."
"The Nearly Midnight News Staff would like to thank the following people for their help in cleaning a recent paperwork backlog: Matchstick. Without you, Matchstick, we would have real work."
"Thank you. I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been the Nearly Midnight News."