Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Nearly Midnight News, October 25
"'Bout that time, eh chaps? Righto"
Sariz tells RPLFG, "It's 2 am where I am"
Ainaree tells RPLFG, "It is time for the Extremely Time-Zoned Bias Nightly News...! /cackle"
*Folodu walks up to the giant acorn desk*
"What is this Time Zone you speak of? Have the Chronomages gone crazy again? Anyways, it's not quite midnight where I am, either. Which is why the name…”
“Welcome to the Nearly Midnight News: Where it's always midnight somewhere… Or happy hour. We aren't picky. Except when we are, and then we pick both midnight -and- happy hour."
"In this week's news, Gnomes! With 50% fewer explosions!"
Abaddonx tells RPLFG, "pepper or no? Sorry - I hear gnome and get hungry"
"This week the Cogworts school of Gnomecraft and Mechamagica held it's semi-bi-annual-maybe-sorta-kinda-huh contest! Word on the street - we aren't sure which street mind you - is that no one died yet! Rats don't count. This contest's theme was rattraps and broken safety features. The giant unheard of school had their students build mousetraps. Some were crazy, some were spiffy, others were...domino-y."
"Congratulations to Eureeka for winning! Presumably, Eureeka knew people and had money, but we do not insinuate the contest was rigged. Other participants had names, and possibly even credentials to practice Gnomery. To find out more (because I sure didn't) check out the Homes and Tomes information boards!"
"In other news, the Overlord is getting rid of those fierce helmets of the Lucanic knights in favor of the much more approachable bonnet. In hindsight, he has decided that he comes off as unapproachable and unlikable. In the words of a drunkard we found dying in a gutter, "Dem stupid knights! They took me lucky charm!" He was promptly mugged. Not by the Nearly Midnight News staff."
Akazeron tells RPLFG, "Where do you get this stuff? ROFLMAO"
"No, they waited for looting, which happens once you pass the threshold from life to death. For more information on passing the threshold from life to death, please inquire at your local Lucanic Knight, possibly Mr. Hellmark, who can be found on a boat."
"In response to the closing of the Maj'Dul Human-Headed Volleyball league, Thurgadin has started it's own sports contest. Most of them involve ice and a distinct lack of clothing. One of which is called "Who will freeze their bollocks off on the iceburg first". For those wishing to participate, I'm sure you can get creative."
Sariz tells RPLFG, "Considering Coldain have a noted resistance to cold, I assume it'd be much like sitting on a brick for a long period of time."
"A barfight broke out last week in Qeynos. No one was injured, though several people were mauled.”
“In a completely unrelated report, incidents of werewolves seems to be on the rise lately. For those wishing to get something off their chest regarding this issue, please see your local goblin barber."
"The Great Mustachioed Gentleman has been spotted in the Hua Mein village! We are not making this up! It was huge! You would have to get a ruler or yardstick to measure this thing! Why he was seen there is unclear, as the Hua Mein don't like you. Remember, the only happy panda-person is an unhappy panda-person."
"In response to last week's news, adventurers have been hunting for the body of Qho. There seems to be a desire for some form of 'ritual sacrifice'. Asking one such person, we found that the boy was 'asking for it, always asking for it.' After a nervous chuckle, he smashed his forehead into a barrel.”
"Priests have been unable to revive him from his current state, and they might not be trying too hard either. For all those who mistrust priests, please visit the Temple of Hate in Freeport to confess your distaste. Cookies and punch will be handed out at three. Please note, the punch is not an imbibing sort, unless you have a big mouth."
"In weather today, sweeping cold... sweeps...across...is this another Thurgadin snow report? The weatherman? Totally fired. I encourage you not to hire him either."
"The Festival of Discord is"
"And the rest of it's gone. Check back next weekend for further information!”
“Thank you for listening to the Nearly Midnight News, this has been a blacklisting. I am your hostess or something like, Folodu Amrunrosse."