This is a guide to services held in honor of the greatest God, he who is of the slightest of hand, drunkard among drunks, Bristlebane.
This guide is complete and unabridged, with slight modifications to help the uninitiated better understand our ways.
The author of this work, Folodu Amrunrosse, has gone to great lengths to ensure this is factual in all parts, except the time when the goblins actually did something right. All named for that incident have been changed because we were not actually there for it, and had to make something up. All mentions of people either living or dead are most likely true recountings, unless they aren't. Reader discretion is advised on page two.
In order to best serve our great God, we must first have several key components arraged. These include, but by are no means limited to: a bottle of Halasian Whiskey which shall from here on be called Communal; a firestarter, preferably in mage-form; a sacrificial goat; one frozen trout, thawed; one set dice, loaded; Hat of Officiation; Gavel of Forewarning.
In to begin, you must get your fellowship, assuming you have one, together, preferably with some prior notice. It must be noted that the group must decide on who will arrive last, and ensure that they have been given not only the wrong directions but also the wrong time. Giving the wrong day is just bad form.
When the last person arrives, they are required to pull a prank on the first arriving member - the group cannot assist pointing out who that is, lest the skill of the last be called into question. The prank must be pulled off during some point in the meeting.
The first order of business is to read the Minutes, but no one ever listens and the waterclock has been acting up lately anyways. Since Step One must always be missed, we must proceed on to Step Three, the sharing of the Communal Whiskey.
Once everyone has had a glass of whiskey, except for Farmer Bijot who has started drinking at dawn again, the group shares the recent pranks they have done. Sound effects and props are not necessary, but are appreciated.
The Fourth Order of Business is the passing of the Collection Plate. It is generally accepted that everyone will try the usual theft, but there are times when someone has an idea to share, such as stealing the theft from the neighbor preceeding them. It is considered bad manners to steal the collection plate itself. So far, Friggle Raxxiton has the record of stealing the collection-plate-bearer, who has not been seen since. When asked, Friggle only smiles like a fox. On incidents like this, the Communal Whiskey is passed around in congratulations.
The next order of business is Step Two: sharing the whiskey, which by now is fairly communal. From this point, the meetings tend to devolve into either hysterics or stories. It is considered ill mannered to not egg the other members on. At this point, weapons are confiscated and fighting is prohibited - not like anyone listens anyways. When everyone calms down, the Officiant releases the sacrificial goat, no one really recalling why it was brought in the first place. Plans are made for the Next Big Prank. These are usually forgotten in the after-meeting torpor and nap.
Since there has not been a Secretary or Writing Utensil brought since the disaster when the ink got spilled, everyone tries to commit the Minutes from the meeting to memory. Another round is shared communally and the meeting is adjourned, usually to be completed in the street when the Militia tends to arrest the members for being drunk in public - also, naked. In Lucan's fountain.
The Goblin incident Is Not To Be Mentioned.
That is all.