Nearly Midnight News July 15

"I...am not a woman dressed like a bat. But I do have some news! In fact, it is Nearly Midnight News! I wish I had some winners to announce, but alas, the list I had got eaten in the feyiron chef cookoff. If anyone had anything papery in their food, please return it at your earliest convenience, and not in a flaming bag on my porch."

Taysa says, "-puts away the tinkered lighter she bought and whistles innocently-"

"However, I do have other interesting news. Qeynos commissioned Cristanos Pinatas for the Festival of Unity. These were a crowd hit most of the day - inside were little arasai shaped candies. In honor of the New Combine Empire, Qeynosians and their allies enjoyed themselves all afternoon. Due to other allies being present, Pin the Tail on Lucan was not brought out this year. This was only a minor setback, as there was more interest in the food than the tails. It seems one out of five judges enjoys a good bit of grub, as one of the Feyiron chef contenders made grubb and crickets the main focus of their meal. Which just goes to conclude, most of Qeynos still doesn't know what to do with Ratonga. The Freeport Militia requests extradition from their new allies. The overall winner of the cookoff was none other than... *reads* I have no idea who this is - is this even a real name? Or is that ... that's a mustard satin. There it is! Iquaii! The New Feyiron Chef this year! Congratulations to the...er... person-whom-I-presume-has-a-face-to-go-with-the-name."

"There was also jousting today. The audience won that one, as many landed on their faces and took comedic blows about their body. Some are listed in critical condition, especially after eating the grubb cricket pie. I am sure they did very well, and we honor them and their efforts. And one day, we might even know their names - but until then, we will call them Bob, Robert, and Bobbie. Please send them congratulations cards, under those names, as soon as possible."

"Further east, there was something going on in Windstalker - In a Nutshell may have lost Kelethin. If anyone has seen the tree city, they are to report it immediately to the nearest Arasai who is not gleefully shocking others."

Tregarde says, "Huh? What happened to my tavern?"

"It was in Windtalker, yes?"

Tregarde says, "That's Wednesday.  *rushes off to check if the Nutshell is still i Kelethin anyway*"

"Ergo, lost. I put out a search notice for you. Oh! Well...maybe we got the day wrong? Or...the bar? Well - either way, the nice militia man said he would look into it right away, after he was done filing his taxes and reports and seeing to his little kitten."

"Elsewhere, it has come to light that NMN staff might not be entirely honest or knowledgeable! We advise giving them extra alms to help fix this problem. Also, take pity on your newscasters. They work hard to make sure everything is mucked up nice and good."

Greigh says, "*rips a drumstick off the turkey in his hat and offers it to Folodu*"

"And while we are at it, we declare this News Week. We are sure we can talk to someone about making this official... And might even have some clue of what is going on during this time! though we would not count on that. *takes the drumstick*”

“In other news, changes of citizenship are way down after it has been reported that officials like to draw on official documents, invalidating them. Immigration still continues, though documentation is spotty. Please see your local guard to have this problem corrected immediately. They are sure to handle it professionally and in a timely manner, though results may vary depending on what time of day the breeze blows."

"In sports today, the Nerian Jousting league got kicked out of the Festival of Unity on the grounds of "jousting with metal poles is not kosher". They are expecting to whine about this for some time, and plot revenge. Anyone with information about what this might be is to be considered an accomplice and dealt with in the swiftest, most efficient, kindest way possible. Anyone experiencing cognitive dissonance on what that is should also report to their local guard."

"Breaking news tonight in Freeport! Every vase on a street has been shattered! No further details are known, though the local Ne'er-do-wells are suspected. Anyone caught doing anything in Freeport might be one of these, and the militia recommends treating them as traitors to Lucan."

"In weather, Antonica sculpted a beautiful day - everywhere else was miserable as a result"

"I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been the Nearly Midnight News. Now why do I have a turkey leg..."

Nearly Midnight News July 13

"Welcome to the Nearly Midnight News! I was your host, but now I'm an intern! Good night! *walks off to the casino* *walks back* I didn't have any money... So...I suppose news. Maybe it will cover our addiction."

"In tonight's news, we have a shocking expose!"

Shizouka says,  "I was young, those pictures were stolen and photoshopped!"

"Those who you thought you knew, rediscovered!"

Serrestt says,  "*Is shocked, despite having not heard the expose yet*"

"You had pictures? Let's see! *peers* Those aren't compromising...those are only innuendos. But here, see, we have the shocking news about Maltus everling! And Brandus Levine! And Britta Pieflinger! And more! Did you know, in his youth, Maltus was a sidewalk two-bit hooker? But wait! Before you go after him! Hear the shocking news of his brother betraying him and killing everyone! Actually, that's not all that shocking. What's really shocking is that, in the sunlight, he....sparkles!"

Shizouka says,  "*falls to her knees* Noooooo!"

Taysa says,  "Yes, I'd be embarrassed too."

Serrestt says,  "Mes woulds nots gos outsides eithers ins thats case."

"And Lady Pieflinger! Does NOT use real whipped cream in her whipped cream pies!"

Taysa says,  "-le gasp!-"

"Brandus Levine is a swindler and a John!"

Shizouka says,  "... a toilet?"

"And, you will only hear this here, but old  Varsoon? A dandy. Complete and total fop! Not a shred of dignity to be had! I mean really...he has a weaving shop is his studio. What do you expect? All those large, hulking golems..."

Shizouka says,  "I always wondered about the coat with shoulder pads three feet out."

"Next in our news... Let's see...ah yes! In Qeynos! A large bubble festival took place! It was going well, until the wind shifted and everyone took a delightful ball of soap to the eye. Counselors will be standing by to anyone who feels scarred for life.”

"In other news, the Nerian Electroshock team has been reformed since yesterday's disaster. Interrogations are expected to continue on schedule until all arasai are filled with pure glee."

Shizouka says,  "Or Maple Syrup."

"Anyone with news regarding the persistent tiger in the room is expected to to scream like schoolgirls."

"More in Qeynos tonight, a casino opened its doors. There is expected to be gambling and gamblers counseling, for those who can't quite give it up. There is also Camel Toe, apparently a bar inside the casino.  For those interested in not paying their bills, there might be a torture room on site. Isn't Qeynos grand? Everyone else puts that right out in the open. There are reports of bowling, and Human Darts, and also a thrilling game of pin the tail on the donkey. For details and correct information, please direct your attention somewhere else."

"In weather, the sun shone, and the wind blew, but nothing else happened. Not even night."

"That is the Nearly Midnight News for tonight. I am your intern, Folodu amrunrosse."

Nearly Midnight News July 12

"I think...It might be time for the Nearly Cheesenight News.”

Alexandria says, "In overalls again?"

"Overalls are banned by our underwriter."

Alexandria says, "Okay, I wear them then"

"*hands over the overalls* And remember, only overalls. Welcome again to the Nearly Midnight News! We have some not-so-random crazy lady dressing up in overalls, and later on, she will be stunting. For ratings! We are paying her in anchovies!"

Alexandria says, "Hey!  Don't call me not-so-random XD  *mmmm anchovies*"

"Ick. Here - take them."

Alexandria says, "*nom nom nom* *passes out from a salt coma from the anchovies*"

"In tonight's news, we have... Umm....Stuff! And Things! Not necessarily in that order!"

"We go first to Mok Rent to find out more about yesterday's land speculation. City officials in Gorowyn block the purchase of land, stating that it is prime genocide material. We are fairly certain this is not okay with the local aviak populations, though they just won't say it in the common trade tongue. Stated one Primary, "They don't talk right, so we gonna kill them and eat them." The NMN found someone willing to offer rebuttal, but all they did was sqwack."

Ghazar says, "However that one got to be a Primary is beyond most of Gorowyn."

"In Mara today, pirates invaded the quiet city, wreaking havoc and overturning at least three potted flowers. They made it all the way to the Inn before a hint of ale derailed their running amok. The Marans ponit this out as being a part of the Divine Plan. They ran up a tab of at least two gold before running out of funds and begging on the dock. We told them this was a waste of time, noting our own funding woes at the NMN. After five minutes, they had enough to buy for the next week. We were envious. Anyone wishing to file a complaint has to get in line behind us."

"In Maj'Dul today, the sultanate revealed that Anashti Sul has been guiding city politics since her banishment. Asked why, we were given the following, "She owes us money. We are finding ways to get it back. Ever play rugby?" Which leads into our sports news for the evening. The Maj'Dul Rugby team went head to lower ankle with Anashti Sul in a spine-jarring match up. It went badly for them, though she took pity and resurrected them. Again, and again, and again."

"In other sports news, the Thexian Winetasters bowed out of a competition with the Nerian Electroshockers. The team cited a distinct fear of being profiled. We caught up with the Nerian team to find them attempting to electroshock a set of swine. It was ineffective, though the pigs were of different breeds and started an epic battle to the death. It is advised henceforth that pig breeds be separated by at least two continents and three impassable walls. The Nerian Electroshockers did not survive the experiment, though being Arasai, we expect the Queen will commission new clockworks be built soon. Anyone expecting a new shipment of the small winged toys can expect thirty percent more defects, and 50% more gleeful pins and needles prodding."

"In Qeynos tonight, the debate on which Marr is more fun to serve got derailed in a public demonstration that continues tonight. Anyone of lustful disposition is recommended to attend. Further news is censored as both lewd, and Anti-Lucnic, based on your major city of origin."

"The Freeport Militia received word this afternoon of a theft about to take place. Ever gallant, the men rushed to the given address and seized everything. The overzealous we demoted for raiding their own facility, and the irony was lost on them.”

"In weather tonight, acid rain sweeps the Steppes. Everyone is expected to drink from it, and many are probably going to have bad trips. Don't do drugs."

"The Center for Bertoxxolous puts out warnings of a new anti virus that causes problems worse than they fix. While pleased, someone else is getting the credit, and the center is very upset. No further comments were issued, though the sounds of a tantrum were heard all afternoon."

"Followers of Bristlebane and Thule joined forces last night to make the worst Jack-in-the-box ever. Testing subjects are being sought today. To apply, please find the place between kunark and the Underfoot. There might be compensation"

"I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been the Nearly Midnight News."

Alexandria says, "*wakes up from the anchovy coma and requests water from anyone and a mint*"

Nearly Midnight News July 11

"So - our budget got cut, and we are down to a candle and no match. I think the NMN staff might be next on the chopping block..."

Karmac says, "*gives Folodu more supplies* "here you go Folodu!"

"A can of spam and anchovies... Lovely...tonight's sponsor hates us. But the show must go on! *strikes the cans together attempting to light the candle*"

"Due to high winds in the studio, tonight's Nearly Midnight News will be broadcast without notes - yes, this means you have to rely on my memory and our lack of funds to remember the news. Also, our underwriters will not support another edition in overalls. There is apparently too much risk involved."

"In tonight's news, we have received a recent study on the dental hygiene of orcs. In a surprise to everyone, orcs apparently brush five times a day, utilizing the greatest in tooth care products. However, they tend to drink acids immediately afterwards, negating all benefits. In a quote from the Former Emperor Fyst, "The boys wanted dental - but Rallos said no. Had to find a compromise somewhere, or you end up with a fight...". Zek was unable to return any contact, leaving this at entirely hearsay."

"In the often newsless Mok Rent on the far side of Gorowyn, land speculators laid claim to vast swathes of land. Ettins contest this, and have argued public domain of it as a nature preserve. Court cases are expected to be brief, as no one argues with an ettin.”

"In Gorowyn proper, city officials closed the central pool diving board after a comment of "someone might get hurt". City revenue at the popular spot is expected to plummet. In a brief comment, a random Civ-Parser noted that the cause is foreigners, as no Sarnak would sink so low as to have "fun", a word he snorted derisively."

“In Freeport, a random citizen kvetched for a while, and then talked some poor sap into stealing a boat. The citizen is in jail tonight as an accomplice while the stolen vessel is still being sought tonight. Anyone caught sailing will be fined until the right theft is found. Asked how this might affect shipping, no one could be found - we were hoping the militia issuing tickets might have better luck getting a comment, but there you have it."

"In sports tonight, the Qeynos Cross Country Catnap team took first place for most inventive location to pass out - under the Queen's throne. The opposing Nerian team points out that this might be in violation of the rules of play. Authorities are double checking, but so far are in favor that it is still on the right continent. Asked how this ends up in sports, the NMN claims lack of budget and would kindly like to remind everyone that spam is involved."

"In the Sea Formerly Known as Tears, a bad singing contest happened. Many ears bled, and children wailed. It was a spectacle to behold. Of course, this is probably because we were not in hearing range."

"The Nearly Midnight News staff would like to issue the following statement: whoever stole our pen, that wasn't nice. We will find you and make you cry. Probably using onions. That we stole. The remaining staff seem quite miffed to fall on such bad luck again, noting that pens seem to be cursed or something."

Karmac says, "*gives Folodu a new pen*"

Folodu takes the pen suspiciously. “The NMN would also like to remind everyone that Arasai and gnome agents continue to make everyday objects into explosives. Please handle everything with caution, even if it seems like the boot you lost last month. That is a prime suspect item."

"In weather, what can we say? There was a windstorm in the studio! Who cares what else was happening? We lost our notes! And our matches! *brandishes the candle* What more do you want from us? We've lost it!"

"I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and a this is the low-budget Nearly Midnight News. Spare a match?"

Nearly Midnight News July 10

"*pokes about* Will anyone notice if I..."

Obatala says, "Strip and dance?"

Drakkarious says, "I've alerted the Qeynos Guards."

Obatala says, "You heard her folks!  Tickets on sale now!"

Obatala says, "Hurry before the guards arrive!"

"Greetings and welcome to the Nearly Midnight News. Due to a lost wager, tonight we will be broadcasting in front of a live!"
"Studio!"
"Hamster!"
"On a dancepole!"
"With galoshes!"

Oudelia says, "In a gazebo?"

"*watches the hamster on a pole in a gazebo* That is kind of disturbing... I - it's putting on a sombrero... And doing a hat dance combined with a salsa dance and the tango. This hamster is very improbable. Anyways! News!"

"In our top story tonight, we go all the way to Neriak *mutters* the station is trying to get me killed, I just know it *mutter* to receive the news from the hand of the Voice of the page who wrote down this bit! Neriak makes the bold claim that it's Wyrven and Wurm campaign has been a success! Despite the many dragonkind killed, Neriak releases official documentation that they were all hoaxes. "There is no such thing as Wyrvens or Wurms!" the page boldly wrote. We went to ask any adventurer their views on this startling news. So far, there seems to be confusion, and many displays of drake-like body parts. We shall be investigating this further, but every seems completely astounded that Neriak would say anything at all. In the view of one adventurer, "It's all a bunch of hogwash. You actually listen to that after the bit about clockwork arasai?" We were highly miffed, and said Good Day, Sir!"

"Elsewhere around Norrath, the curious Gigglegibbers reveal that they have been evading taxes all this time. Much to no one's surprise, they gave very precise figures on just how much the foreign exchequer has not paid. The number was staggeringly unable to be counted by the never-inept goblin tribe. The request all adventurers to continue staying away from the vault, even though it is very secure."

"In Skyshrine tonight, a tiny speck was spotted flying among the clouds. Investigation proves nothing conclusive, but a highly paranoid gnome suggests a UFO - or possibly detritus. Never quite certain, the gnome opted on blowing something up, which we are pleased to report is not the pen we dislodged from our desk late last eve."

"In another shocking article, it seems the casino rumored to be opening in Qeynos late this month had a bowling lane installed, and Human Darts. This exciting new sport is said to be favored among the Koada. Additional rumors suggest there is a free bar on opening night, though no one has been available for questioning to check the veracity. We did manage to swipe three bottles of rum, however. For those interested, meet at the big Claymore and ask the halfling with tree toes where the Giant Sleeps. He knows what you mean."

"In completely unrelated news, anyone known to be able to fly is advised to stay land-borne, as a plague of locusts is predicted to cover the land late tomorrow night. This does not rate as official weather, though it is expected to cause shade and block out the stars for a time. Anyone unable to see is advised not to open their mouth. Unless they like that sort of thing."

"In sports tonight, the ever-picked-on New Halas teams continue to fail in everythign they do, though all sports have adopted the tutu officially now. Today, they lost the arm wrestling with the Fae of Kelethin, and the Balloon tying against the Ogres of Freeport. If this streak continues, a city-wide liquor ban will be established until morale improves."

"The Loping Plains Hairballs took on the the much renowned Thundermist Farmboys in a heated game of Catch The Selkie. So far, no winner has been determined, and authorities are starting to suspect a point system needs instituted."

"The Nerian Chess team lost to the Gorowyn Beats wrestling team today. It was kind of funny, and we wish we had the ability to show you. One lout reportedly chuckled a checkmate as the final blow was delivered."

In weather, the Commonlands remain impassable as someone lost their glasses and told everyone not to move. Heat stroke set in several hours later, and then it rained. Alternate routes have been cancelled for glee."

"In crime tonight, a random stabbing spree broke out in Longshadow alley. The Arasai Inquisitors pointed fingers at all the Thexians, including one of the changed fae that seemed to have a bloody dagger. There was much chuckling, followed by the sounds of shrieks, we assume of joy and pleasure. The Arasai did not look as friendly as they seemed, and we bowed out of a demonstration."

"In the Sands under Maj'Dul, a fistfight broke out between two orcs. Both are in custody for disturbing the peace, though we aer not entirely certain where."

"The Antonican Footrace Fetish club broke into a fit of giggles when one runner decided to jog, rather than the more acceptable sprint. Ostracism is expected. Asked what was up with that, they broke into another fit and wandered off. It was odd and we think they might need Help. Anyone looking to assist the strange team is expected to show up in something skin-tight and be wearing a good pair of shoes."

"I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this has been a strange Nearly Midnight News."

Nearly Midnight News July 8

"Look! Up there! It's a bird! It's a gnome! It's breaking news! because it is certainly coming -here- at very high velocity!"

"Welcome to the Nearly...nearly...umm...Thingy!"

"Near thingy!"

Arquennie says, "Nearly Midnight News!!!!!!!!"

"Whassat? "Never heard of it before in my life."

"On tonight's edition of Nearly Midnight News, we go ALL over! Except that dark place in the savanah. that's the elephant graveyard, and we must never go to that dreadful place! There are things - and hyenas. They sound familiar... Like they might have been from somewhere... But here! We have news! Good news!"

"In a recent discovery, it has been found that pie cures nearly all ailments. Cake decorators contest this, and lift their rolling pins high. Void, the makers of ice cream, wants to test this claim with their product. While the request seems suspicious, we are sure there is a fae or something out there willing to try. Anyone willing to make fifty gold is asked to sign up at their nearest Lucanic Clinic for both their civic duty and for Science!"

"In other news, someone kindly posted bail for us to get us out of the custody of our new friends in the third Cavalry. We are not sure who this anonymous donor was, but we do not suspect our network sponsors. Additionally, we now get to enjoy our new Acorn Anchor desk! We are quite pleased, though we have lost our pen in a seam we did not see. Anyone wishing to do--- our sponsors are telling us the pen thing will be rectified and not to worry."

"In a surprise move today, Lucan voted himself Best Overlord in Norrath! Unbeknownst to everyone else, there was no such previous award, though we are sure the afterparty will be fantastic. Not to be outdone, Queen Bayle has decided to crown herself Beauty Queen. In her daring new outfit, she decided to show ankle! There will be murmurs throughout Qeynos for at least a social season, until some third son gets himself killed in a duel."

"In other news, the Shippers Union has decided to bow to their new overlords with the Everfrost Ice Skaters Coalition and shipments are expected to continue across norrath.If anyone had a late package recently they advise getting over it."

"In sports today, the Gorowyn Finger Wrestling team ousted giant Windstalker for their first championship ever. Elated, the team spoke excitedly for several minutes and decided they were the superior race. In a brief riot afterwards, the Windstalker team took several injuries. This is not being viewed as a hate crime, as they are inferior. The team looks to challenge this by talking to someone in a different venue, such as Neriak."

"Nerian Queen Cristanos lost the remote control to her little arasai today, which brought business to a halt. Asked to comment, the locals had this to report, "happens all the time. She decided whoever is standing closest when it's found is the culprit, and she feeds them to her pet goat." We are skeptical about the goat, but one can never be too careful."

"There are rumors of a casino opening in Qeynos late this month, though with tax law and how tight-laced the officials seem to be, we are not entirely sure how they managed the linscence. We presume there will not be liquor served, and anyone over the height of an average dwarf will be escorted out. Thus far, these are only rumors, and have seen no evidence to the contrary. You can be sure that we will Have Nothing To Do With The Bookie On Staff."

"The trolls of the Feerott banded together today and handed a manifesto over to the invading Thulians. In short, it requests their lands back. The Thulians were not impressed.”

“In a new statement from the Academy in Freeport, Necromantic Arts division, qoute, "Dead girls are easy." We decided to ask further questions, and it turns out all dead are fairly simple to reanimate, though they prefer certain kind. After a few meaningful looks, the NMN staff opted on asking questions Somewhere Else."

"In weather tonight, the wind blows high, and the wind blows low. Donald, where are your trousers? We suspect a halasian fed us a bad weather report of the north for that one."

"In other news, apples, even one a day, will not keep the doctor away if you choke on them. Eat carefully."

"In stocks, feyberries have risen three bushels, beating out jumjum for the preferred fruit berry. Anyone wishing to help either number can go to the Enchanted lands and pick a bushel. Grain shortages in Maj'Dul surprised no one today. This is still newsworthy, though we are still investigating."

"I am Folodu Amrunrosse, and this is the Nearly Midnight News."

Nearly Midnight News July 6

"*clears throat* *stage whisper* Is it on? Are we recording?"

Amriel says "/whispers 'You have been on since you came out of the bathroom, now wash your hands!"

"Well, we would...but... This evening's Nearly Midnight News is brought to you from a special location! We are guests until further notice of the Knights! Fine dining and fancy meals must surely come our way - though we had to beg and plead for the equipment to come with us. NMN, good at talking it's way into having large equipment in small spaces."

"In tonight's news, we have several interesting pieces. The first would take us out to Feerott, except for the quarantine currently in place. It seems the malaria outbreak in Ykesha has spread, and now most of the ancient holy temples in the jungle next door are infected as well. The NMN advises a change in travel plans."

"In other news, We would loved to have our newsdesk, but the chance to spend a length of time with the illustrious band of noble men and women guarding Freeport insisted, stating such grand things as, "Any caught spying on the business of Freeport will be handled accordingly as traitors. They will be summarily dealt with." And so, here we are. If anyone gets a good look at our desk, please tell us about it!"

"In others news, the Windstalker cross country team  has officially been granted personhood by the Queen Antonia. Asked about their shift in status, they made the following statement, "We are cross country - resistance is futile." The NMN decided that it was a little strange, and so challenged them to a race. We won. Unless someone tells them we are here...which is probably not a good thing to mention."

"In sports news today, the Odus Frisbee team lost their prized disc when high winds caught it near the edges of the landmass. They expect to know exactly where it lands just as soon as they decide with parabolic path it took. Debate is fierce several hours later, and looks like it will go til sunrise."

"The Everfrost Ice Skaters shipping union went on strike today, citing low pay, hazardous conditions, and not being allowed to look in the packages they ship. It is unclear if the shipping magnate will clear this up with the dockworkers and ship hands or if it will cut its losses."

"A random survey was done today, wondering how many Norrathians knew the names of both moons. Only about 3 percent did, and 97 percent seemed not to know there were two at all. In a follow up survey, the researchers plan on asking how many fingers griffons have. Lead sociologist Fizzlethorpe suspects there will be interesting results."

"In a random crime spree today, two children under the age of thirty were seen stealing candy from two stalls. When questioned, both claimed it was freely given. The NMN has taken it upon itself to file reports."

"In a survey of Prisoners in Freeport reveals that most are quite happy with where they are right now, especially when the guards are present. We expect Lucan might issue longer sentences to accommodate. In a related bit of gossip, guards do not like their prisoners trying to pick the locks. This is frowned upon greatly, and we suspect the assistant with me might need medical attention."

"For those interested in more on this subject, something known as "bail" needs posted, as we are being told that this conversation is at an end - are you sure I can't? -it's just weather..."

"In weather tonight, expect rain, as if small assistants crying from the sky upon you!"

"This is Folodu Amrunrosse, and this is an interrogation!"