*crawls up to a pile of ashes*
“Oh gods, oh gods... get me drunk and then mess with my place in time..."
*looks at the pile*
“Someone burned my desk… I mean - seriously... Make me crawl from bar to bar..."
Kyrafym tells RPLFG, "well... thats an awkward realization... "
"And then my - oh. right. desk was defiled… Need to remember to post that around. Bloody Erollisian priest..."
*slowly stands, wobbling*
"Welcome to the Nearly Midnight News, Vithing Erollisian edition.... Or was it Bloody Chronomancers edition… Perhaps Turn Off The Light I Have A Hangover Edition… ... Or the Why Does This Bovid Have Wings Edition."
"Anyways! News! With hangovers! Hurrah.”
*not amused*
"In tonight's news, we go to The Past (TM) and find out.... just what the hell."
"In Antonica, a rare sighting of Fippy Of Yesteryear allowed us to get a brief interview. We asked him why he tries so hard to break the wall."
"His response: "Not break! Climb! Those dumb Qeynos people just ruin my exercise! So I hit them!" Truely an endeavoring spirit, he has tried for years just to do a pole vault and wall climb. And those darn humans..."
Kyrafym tells RPLFG, "the irony is ... i could see fippy doing that -.-"
"There is no irony here. Only news. Pure facts. Can't make up facts."
"In other news, my Holy Of Holy - er - Fizzlethorpe's Holy Days are upon us! Many are celebrating in the time honored tradition of killing other people in creative and sadistic ways! Less noted are those who are putting poo in a bag and lighting it on fire on Old Dave's doorstep."
Kyrafym tells RPLFG, "-shocked and terrified face- "
"Flaming bags of poo are just so naive and juvenile compared to death. Other festivities include buckets of water over doorways, and transporting someone into a full replica of their home, minus all the people there. And one spirit known only as the Prankageddon has sold the Qeynos Claymore to at least three different scrap companies."
Kyrafym tells RPLFG, "BUNNEH!"
"And we must never forget the easiest of pranks - setting a cup of water on someone's bedside and easing their hand into it. This can be done by nearly anyone. And just goes to show, if you set your sights low enough, you can do anything."
"A new strain of degenerative cubism has been released in Odus. It seems to affect something like 47% of all Erudin."
"So far, it has remained isolated in Paineel, though if it were ever to become airborne, the general block-shaped head you see today would spread, and incubation would likely affect the entire body after a critical mass. Experts agree - Erudites would be one block representing the forehead, an egg that might be the body core, and three sticks, possibly representing a cry for help, or a new spell."
"Work is underway to reverse it, and this so called Realism vaccine has had interesting effects. Sadly, one of them is a slight chance of surrealism, making the affected erudin become an angry badger, a book, and a loose pile of string being chased by a cat."
"Paineel has never been more awesome. And that is a professional opinion as Grand Poobah of Fizzlethorpe."
"Elsewhere in Norrath, and less awesome by leaps and bounds, we find our next story in New Halas where Fae unions have been authorized."
"The measure was passed despite worries of regions developing condensed sugar and unmitigated energy. Most experts suspect that it was this phenomena that took down the spire network so long ago."
"Dissenters hold that the Fae can unionize just like any other race, and that there are no side effects to this. Except for the dissenters of dissenters - Nerians hold that Fae unions would not only have side effects, but they would be almost pointless, and therefore able to be ignored."
"A side effect of this measure causes discussions of the hitherto illicit Fae days to resume. New Halas has become a hotbed of Fae activity, and all other sentient races are smart enough not to touch that with a ten-point-two foot pole. Which is a little obsessive, rally, as most Fae are only 3 to 8 inches."
"The NMN would like to point out that pigs were proven not to fly last month, and Bovids are just as unlikely this month."
"However, we seek grant monies to do a thorough and expensive investigation. For those who wish to waste - er - participate in this, please send all inquiries to NMN staffers directly. This is totally Tax Deductible. Meaning that yes, taxes will still be deducted. It will just be harder to calculate."
"In sports this week, we were going to go live to a new team in Enchanted Lands, but when we got there, we only found a huddle of goblins."
"They were calling themselves The Profits, and wanted to play against the halflings. When pressed, the leaders could not say what they wanted to play, or how to play it. Only that they were the True Profits."
"Goblins. Need I go on?"
"Odd weather today - Half of antonica experienced a snowstorm, and the other half experienced the worst case of 72 card pick up in recorded Bristlebane history."
"Residents of Windstalker were torn, sometimes literally from papercuts, in how to respond to this. Some opted on snow forts, and others on houses of cards."
"Rivervale had three inches of spaghetti at about noon, and it was all cleared up by weevils by 4."
"Thurgadin didn't have snow, causing mass panic."
"There was a small bit of continental drift when D'Lere wanted to demand it's land back from Karan, but after a brief talking-to by the Feerrott, went back home. This happened at about 7 pm, and was saved from becoming an Incident by sheer force of smell by the Feerrott."
"I am your anchorette, Folodu Amrunrosse, which I did not say earlier I don't think, and This Is Sparta!"
"Er… Nearly Midnight News. Good night and good luck."
editor's note:
Maiden’s Fancy's and Vanesh's multiple advertisements during the broadcast have been excluded. The NMN staff does not look kindly upon opportunistic spamvertisements.
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